Is it possible to make a point, express an idea, or even have a disagreement anymore without being interrupted, challenged, attacked or demonized? When did folks change from wanting to entertain healthy debate, and discuss the best ideas, to the desire to turn every discussion into an argument? Did I miss a memo? Can’t we disagree anymore, without being disagreeable?
Most television news shows use a combative debate model to attract audiences to view the verbal brawl that they call “debate”. One side is allowed to make sweeping generalizations, biased accusations, and then delivers a particular point of view, and then, while the other side begins a reply, they are interrupted, challenged and talked over by the original speaker, and even the host! The “debate” degenerates into two or three supposedly intelligent people hurling insults and accusations as quickly as they can until the host declares they are “out of time” and cuts to commercial. Is this the type of “debate” that is being adopted as “normal” in the business world too? At home, I can grab the remote and change the channel when this pseudo- debate becomes an intelligible jumble of colliding conversations… but what do we do when business meetings begin to resemble the media portrayal of professional debate of conflicting ideas? When business professionals hurl unfounded generalizations, talk over you, or won’t allow you to make a point, are we allowed to scream let’s “cut to commercial?”
Over the last six months, I have witnesses numerous examples of what should have been intelligent debate of substantial topics turn into personal attacks, unfounded (or unsupported) allegations, or just be a recitation of the political talking points of the day. Whether it’s national in scope, (immigration, oil, and health care) local, (high speed rail, governors race) or our daily business issues, both sides have some valuable ideas and valid concerns, however, in our new “my way or the highway” world, if you disagree with one point that someone offers, it seems that you must reject their entire argument and sometimes even reject the person as well. Does that make sense? When did we stop gathering the best ideas from both sides and then work together to develop solutions that included all the best ideas? Why must we choose sides before a discussion and then refuse to even visit the other perspectives or solutions?
Collaboration for the good of everyone, (even if it meant not always getting exactly what I wanted) was how I grew up in my family of 11 kids. We talked, discussed issues, provided ideas and viewpoints and then made a decision, and then moved forward together. With 11 kids we were never allowed to tackle family issues by yelling, interrupting, and demonizing those we disagree with, it was not productive and it certainly was not mannerly!
I believe we all need to learn how to become good listeners again! Discussion and disagreement should involve talking and listening too! You can’t listen while you are talking, and listening (really listening, not just planning your next attack) allows you to hear more solutions, more ideas, and more perspectives. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them all, however free discussion of ideas, without fear of being attacked is powerful! I warn you though, it is very hard to hear my ideas torn apart, my judgment questioned, and even hear things said about me that are not true, but I am finding that when I just keep listening, and keep my mouth shut and my ears open, I have begun to uncover more ideas for solving complicated issues. When folks realize that they are not going to be cut off, and that solutions are more important than positions, then the discussion becomes less defensive and more pro-active… and they begin to return the same professionalism to me.
So, my mom was right all along,”… to be heard you must listen twice as much as you speak, and that is why God gave us 2 ears and only one mouth!”
